That is probably one of the hardest sentences you can say. Admitting you’re wrong is never easy, and if you’re like me – proud and stubborn – it becomes that much harder to say it.
But today, I’m saying it. I’m sorry to my family for not being a better mum and partner to them. Recently I’ve allowed myself to be washed over with tiredness and lack of motivation which has resulted in the bare minimum being done both for the kids and the house. Supermum doesn’t make an appearance in our house often, but recently she’s been MIA to the extreme, and I’ve allowed Unmotivated Mum to take over with unlimited access.
I dislike Unmotivated Mum with a passion. It’s horrible waking up feeling tired and grumpy, to then try and persevere through the day with a smile. Some days got to the point where I looked forward to bedtime, a time when I wouldn’t have to be in charge of entertaining two kids, or make up an excuse as to why we couldn’t go out, (“because mummy doesn’t want to” didn’t really seem like the appropriate response…) I’d let the housework mount up above the “acceptable standard” of how much housework would be deemed reasonable with children, which only fuelled Unmotivated Mum even more so. I wallowed in self pity for being tired, and let the slightest inconveniences rile me up. Not only does Unmotivated Mum suck at parenting, she’s also not a great partner to be around either. Whilst the grievances and annoyances are mostly kept at bay around the kids (they just get the huffs and grumpy faces), poor Martin is left with the pot at boiling point. I don’t know how he puts up with it, because quite frankly even I’ve had enough of it. I asked him how he puts up with me the other night, and his reply was; “I’ve just got used to it” and honestly, it kind of broke my heart a little.
It’s taken far too long, but I’ve put on my big girl knickers and have realised I’ve been letting the team down, so now I want to do something about it. As I huffed out of bed after a disturbed nights sleep, I found myself wallowing on the sofa mumbling “love you, bye” as Martin trundled off to work. The kids were looking at me expectantly, waiting for me to tell them what I had in store for the day, and I sat there ranting a text to my mum as to how I felt rubbish and wanted to do Sweet F.A. I stayed in my hump for a little while longer, until I realised how totally unfair I was being to the kids. (Okay yes it was partially Williams fault that I didn’t get much sleep) but neither did he, and I was too enveloped in my own pity party that I couldn’t see that he was probably just as tired as I was. And once again the mum guilt kicked in with an almighty whack when I looked at Lily, sitting and watching TV whilst entertaining William too. How could I have been so selfish as to put my own woes first before these two amazing kids? How long had I let Unmotivated Mum rule over me? I decided today was it. Time for her to pack her sodding bags and leave. And with that, I made a cup of tea and we all got dressed and headed to the shops for some baking supplies. The excitement that came from Lily when I unveiled the mornings plans to bake filled me with both happiness and guilt. I could kick myself for being so self absorbed.
I honestly hope to keep Unmotivated Mum at bay from now on. My family and myself deserve better than this! I was talking to a friend the other day about my worries of being a step-mum (post to follow.) and it just emphasised this hole I’ve been digging for myself, and now enough is enough. I can’t live my life down here in this pity hole, a party for one isn’t much of a party. So I’m going to try my absolute best to get on top of this, and give myself direction again. We all wander off the path sometimes, (in this case I’ve well and truly meandered) but it’s not too late to get back on it.
So, my beautiful family, please bare with me just a little longer, I am trying.